"Why Isn't My Date Getting It?!" - The Myth of Instant Connection

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me recently, “I just don’t think this person is for me… I had to repeat myself three times on the date,” — I could probably open a matchmaker-funded coffee shop.

It’s a common complaint. “They’re too slow.” “I had to explain my joke.” “They didn’t pick up on my vibe.” And the grand finale: “If we were really compatible, it wouldn’t feel like work.”

But what if we’ve completely misunderstood what compatibility actually looks like?

Let’s reframe this, together.

Imagine this: you’ve spent your entire life learning how to think like… you. You have a rhythm. A way of communicating, feeling, processing. Your language is layered with nuance — built on your childhood, your experiences, your values, and yes… even your weird TikTok humor.

And now, someone you just met is sitting across from you on a date. Maybe they’re kind. Maybe they’re trying. But they don’t “get it.” They miss your sarcasm. They misunderstand your tone. They need clarification… again.

Frustrating? Sure. But is it a sign that they’re not your soulmate?

Not necessarily.

In fact, expecting a person to instinctively “get you” after a few conversations may be one of the great myths of modern dating. Love, real love, doesn’t require instant fluency. It requires mutual translation.

We live in a culture obsessed with “the spark.” We swipe based on gut feeling. We ghost when it doesn’t feel electric. We believe, deep down, that the right person will just know.

But here’s the problem with sparks: they burn fast and die out quickly. What happens when the butterflies fade? When real life steps in with dishes, disagreements, or in-laws?

That’s where something deeper is needed — and it’s called commitment to understanding.

Compatibility isn’t about someone finishing your sentences. It’s about someone who’s willing to wait while you find the words.  Someone who says, “I don’t fully get you yet, but I want to try.”

In the mystical teachings of Kabbalah, we learn about the concept of Tzimtzum — a Divine contraction. Before creating the world, G-d “contracted” G-d’s infinite presence to make space for something other than G-d.

This isn’t just a cosmological idea — it’s a relationship model.

When two people come together, they each must do a form of Tzimtzum: We pull back a little of our ego, our assumptions, our habits — in order to create space for someone else’s reality to enter.

You’re not meant to be carbon copies of one another. You’re meant to be co-creators. 

The beauty of a relationship isn’t that someone “gets” you instantly… …it’s that they care enough to make space to understand.

Here’s something we don’t talk about enough:

Love is a learned language.

It’s not just a feeling. It’s a set of skills — listening, responding, adjusting, anticipating… like all skills, it takes time to develop.

So yes, your date might need you to explain your boundary more than once. They might need a reminder that sarcasm isn’t criticism, or that silence doesn’t always mean anger.

That doesn’t mean they’re not capable of loving you. It just means they’re still learning how.

And here’s the secret: you’re learning how to love them, too.

I get it — it can be exhausting to feel like a translator of your own emotions. You want someone who just knows.

But real connection happens not when someone understands you immediately, it happens when they care enough to try again after they didn’t.

Repetition isn’t a flaw in the process. It is the process. It’s how we build trust. It’s how we confirm, “Yes, I really mean this. Yes, this matters to me.”

If you’re repeating yourself, it might mean your voice is finally being heard — clearly, consciously, and with care.

So what do you do when you’re on a date and the other person doesn’t seem to get it?

First — take a breath. Then ask yourself: Are they trying to understand me? Are they asking questions, clarifying, checking in?

Because someone who’s trying — even if they’re slow — might be worth a second look. But someone who isn’t listening at all? That’s another story.

Just don’t confuse “it takes effort” with “it’s wrong.”

There’s a big difference between conflict and construction. One breaks things down. The other builds something new.

My blessing to you is this:

May you find someone who doesn’t always get it the first time — but who never stops wanting to learn.

May you have the courage to teach someone how to love you — and the humility to be taught, too.

Because the ones who are worth loving… are usually the ones willing to work at it.

And if you’re ever unsure? Well, you know where to find me.